• The Science of Artful Writing

    Posted Posted by Guest Writer in WBN News & Events     Comments 5 comments

    Today’s post comes from Mooner Einstein Johnson, WBN friend and Justine admirer. WBN edited his forthcoming novel, Full Rising Mooner. I would recommend cracking a few Carta Blancas before diving in.




    The Science of Artful Writing


    So. I was asked to write something that describes my creative processes when I write said writings. You know, I was asked to answer questions like how I decide what to write, where do I get my ideas, what do I do to rid myself of writer’s block, what does my writing space look like? Silly shit like that.

    I know that most writers consider writing to be work. Hard work. I don’t, I consider writing to be a giant pain in the ass, but easy.

    See, I have ADHD and its little brother, ADD, and both in copious quantities. I have been tested to have as many as fifteen distinct trains of thought simultaneously stirring in the cauldron that is my skull. As a for instance take this exact second. I can identify the following thought strings swirling in my brain:

    1. I’m trying to write without the need of editing.
    2. Will Justine edit me anyway?
    3. Why is the Squirt barking?
    4. Is it too early for an icy cold Carta Blanca beer?
    5. Will anybody actually read this shit?
    6. Would I really have actual sex with Sarah Palin?
    7. I want chicken for dinner.
    8. When will I next be slapped by mistake?
    9. I had some really good sex last night, and so on.

    Each of the nine thoughts I mentioned were summarized for you in the name of brevity. But, to frame the references, each is a story of, and into, itself. Said another way, I just had nine story lines in my brain two minutes ago and now half of those are gone and have replacements. My brain is full of thoughts and thoughts make stories.

    For example, Number 1. is the thought that leads to the story I’m writing right now about writing. Anybody will have that thought when they write a similar story, right?

    Number 2. could be me telling you about my wonderful experience having Justine edit my book and about everything she did for me and about the sex dream I had where she was a school teacher. I won’t tell that story because I’m working hard to be appropriate. And also because you-know-who will likely read this.

    Number 3. would be a mystery that unfolds as I sneak back to the kitchen to see what’s what. Squirt is a mixed breed puppy who has many barks, and speaks many languages. I could go ask her what is going on and I could tell you what she says and who knows where that would go.

    Number 4. is simple. It is never too early for Carta Blanca beer. If you are not a Carta Blanca drinker– shame on you.

    Number 5. is another mystery. I could tell you of all the imaginings going on in my head as to who will read this, what they will think and how I might be influencing them.

    Number 6. Well for starters the answer is likely, “Yes, I would have actual sex with Sarah Palin.” Actual sex as compared to dream sex. I have many sex dreams with celebrities and regular women and I blog about many of them.

    Which reminds me to tell you that I have a blog at http://www.moonerjohnson.com and you can see the results of a writer having so many things to write about. My psycho therapist says to me, she says, “Mooner, I’m glad you have found an outlet in writing. Spilling your thoughts to paper is like letting some air out of an over-inflated tire. Reduces the probability of a blow-out.”

    My therapist is also one of my ex-wives and a real bitch. But she’s mine and I’ve grown comfortable with her over the thirty years she has treated me. Mistreated me as well.

    But, Number 6. would make a book what with all of the dreams and dream themes.

    Number 7., well 7 could be a book as well and well might be a book. Maybe I went to the well too many times there. I love to cook and have a creative mind for it. I could tell you a dozen stories, interesting ones, from the dinner conversations at my family dinner table just this month. Like about when Gram found a fresh pig whisker in her pumpkin squash soup and threatened to kill Rush Limbaugh. That would be Rush Limbaugh my pet hog and not the giant asshole with the inflated ego that pontificates hatred on the radio.

    Fucking asshole Rush Limbaugh. And while I’m at it I might as well get this out of the way. Fuck Rick Perry!

    I might be digressing a touch so allow me to get back to my point. Number 8. is another possible book because I get slapped on purpose, but undeservedly, often. I get slapped as an appropriate response as well but that would make for yet another book.

    Why do some women have an unfiltered slap mechanism? Some women have this slap first and ask, “Why the fuck did you do that?” later. They need to understand that an apology sometimes won’t fix a broken eardrum.

    Number 9. is the only thought I listed that will not become fodder for the printing of my thoughts. I don’t kiss and tell anything about my actual lady friends and most especially when they carry a gun and a stunner. My current love is a Special Agent in Charge for US Department of  Homeland Security. She does enjoy popping me with a little juice from her stunner before sex. You know, foreplay.

    If I had outlined a tenth thought on my list, above, it would have been, “I wonder how many words I’m allowed in this dealie?”

    I’m thinking 1,000 might be just about right, so please allow me to say to you with authority, “Why in the world would you ask me to write about the creative process?”

    This stuff spills from my brain in mass volume.

    Did I tell you that my ADHD is contagious? It grabs control of your brain at about 1,000 words.

    Drink Carta Blanca beer.


    For more from Mooner Einstein Johnson (“an adult and manly man living in, and around, Austin, Texas USA”), follow his blog.

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    Mooner Johnson

    So. As usual, after reading this I realize that I left so many things things unsaid. I’m unsure that I properly communicated my thoughts and I think I have a too-dense and confusing writing style.

    What that means is I am too-dense and confused, because those are my thoughts.

    Ugh, I need an icy-cold Carta Blanca.

    David Duhr

    You need to down about six of them to catch up with us, Mooner.

    ray fuentez

    Hi Mooner,
    I like Carta Blanca — tan buena la grande como la chiquita — but unfortunately it relaxes me too much and actually puts my creativity in neutral. I enjoyed your Science of Artful Writing. Brought to mind a comic that made popular party disks in the late fifties/early sixties named Shelly Berman. If you know who I’m talking about you need to be careful crossing the street.

    Mooner Johnson

    Ray. OK, first, relaxation is a luxury and luxury stirs multiple juices, like romance, and who doesn’t like a good romance? Or daydreams, right? When you relax you daydream, and many books started with daydreams. Second, Shelly Berman and Buddy Hackett were two of my childhood favorites. Shelly’s multiple plotline jokes were like short stories. Buddy Hackett had, I think, a variety of ADHD and my variety. I loved when he finally got to the punchline. Third, what are you writing? I always try to return the favor of your reading my shit by reading yours. Fourth, fuck you. I… Read more »

    David Duhr

    Shelly Berman. Buddy Hackett. Are you guys just inventing names? I’d like to steer this conversation toward the Kardashians or Jersey Shore, if you gentlemen don’t mind. If you must talk about pre-2000 “celebrities,” please do so in your own forums.

    So, how about that Snooki?

    Would love your thoughts, please comment.x