Literary Valentines: The 10 Worst Lovers in Literature
Posted by David Duhr in 
So today is Valentine’s Day, and as you all know, we here at WriteByNight love February 14th so much that we take the day off from all obligations, including blogging. And in honor of this wonderful, totally genuine and non-commercial “holiday,” we are reposting this piece from 2012, for which Danielle White scoured her bookshelves to present us the 10 worst lovers in literature.
by Danielle White
Through the ages, literature has brought some amazing characters to life. Characters we have grown up with, fallen in love with, laughed with, admired, and most importantly, remembered just as though they were real people.
But just like real life, literature is full of scummy dudes and scary dudettes intent on torturing the opposite sex. What if you were stuck with one of these legends as a Valentine this year?
Here are the top 10 worst-ever lovers in literature:
10) Emma Woodhouse, from Jane Austen’s Emma
You could try asking her on a date, but chances are she’ll set you up with one of her close friends instead.
9) Prince Hamlet of Shakespeare’s Hamlet
Not only is he Danishly mopey, but also completely selfish. A professor of mine once pointed out how Hamlet “uses Ophelia and then throws her away like a dirty tissue.” With a boyfriend like that, it’s no wonder she kills herself.
8) Edward Cullen of Twilight fame
Because if you subtract the vampire element, he’s really just a stuck-up douchebag.
7) Alisoun, from the Miller’s Tale in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales
Well, unless you like that sort of thing.
6) Lady Brett Ashley from Ernest Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises
She just doesn’t seem too big on romance. She’d rather be flitting all over Europe, getting hammered and flirting with a group of rich guys. If you’re looking for a monogamous relationship, she’s probably not your gal.
5) Phaedra
Like most Greek characters, she’s pretty sick and twisted. Or maybe it’s just the gods controlling her emotions. They like to do that to people. Either way, better to keep your son away from this one; or, you know, he’ll probably die.
4) Zeus
Speaking of gods, there isn’t any length to which this one wouldn’t go to get laid. Including transforming himself into a swan. He takes the phrase “male pig” to a whole new level.
3) Miss Havisham from Dickens’s Great Expectations
There’s a chance she’s not yet over her ex.
2) Humbert Humbert of Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita
He might love you. Or he might just ask you to marry him in order to get closer to your prepubescent daughter. Gross.
1) Patrick Bateman from American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
He does have charm. And he keeps himself well-groomed. He’ll probably even tell you that you have a beautiful face–right before he slices it off.
If you had to get with one of these literary monsters, which would you choose and why? What terrible lovers in literature did we leave off this list?
Danielle White lives and works in central Massachusetts. She graduated from Franklin Pierce University in 2009 with a BA in English. She has since been published in 2 literary magazines, City Lines and Student At Large. Apart from reading and writing, she enjoys sipping a well-made martini, buying shoes, and sleeping in.