Exercise 3 – Thoughts Upon Death
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Too gloomy for my taste. Couldn’t help trying to brighten it up.
I remember sun. Sun on trees. Sun on grass. Sun on skin and in water. There had been sun when I was young and summers were long, dusty and hot. In Europe sun was weak compared to the tropics, and that sun, too, I recalled. Glittering on crystal seas and flapping palms. Chasing shadows on powder sand and warming lizards on the sidewalk. All that sun—a lifetime full of sun.
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2 Comments to “Exercise 3 – Thoughts Upon Death”
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Justine says:
Beautiful language, Susan: “glittering on crystal seas,” “chasing shadows on powder sand.” You certainly have a knack for employing lyricism without going over the top.
As for your attempt to “brighten it up,” I think one could read all that intense sun as an overcompensation. (The word itself appears nine times in only 71 words.) I’m wondering if this abundance of sun may be glossing over a darkness.
What do you think when someone says “trust me”? Not to be trusted, right?
Susan says:
Considering I wrote this in 5 minutes flat, I really didn’t put that much deep thought in it. But if it were part of a story, I agree, the character having this experience might well be hung up on the sun in order to avoid something else.